


The Phoenix Quest III: Wings of Ember

by purplesky24



Series: The Phoenix Quest universe [4]
Category: PIERCE Tamora - Works, Tortall - Tamora Pierce
Genre: Action/Adventure, F/F, Next Generation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:28:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29116761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplesky24/pseuds/purplesky24
Summary: Emmeline of Tirragen vows to be a knight to redeem her family name. She is entering her third year as squire to the Lioness, but strange dreams are giving her an unwanted link to the enemy, and threatening to destroy everything she has worked for. Her lover, Squire Vania of Conté, is learning that the line between right and wrong is getting more blurred as she confronts what it means to be a royal knight. Meanwhile, discussions around same-sex lovers in Tortall are growing and getting heated, potentially fuelled by the rebels who may just be making their final stand…
Relationships: Vania of Conté/Original Female Character
Series: The Phoenix Quest universe [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1008051
Comments: 50
Kudos: 43





	1. Gifts

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone, book three is finally here!!! I’m sorry it took so long, and I’m thankful for all your patience, understanding, and notes of encouragement. I count myself very lucky to have readers like you. 
> 
> So here is book three. I have not completed the whole thing like I’d hoped to before posting, but I have about eleven chapters drafted. I’m planning to post one chapter every 2 weeks, so I currently have enough materials for regular updates until July at least. And if I finish the story sooner, I’ll switch to weekly updates once I’m comfortable with the pace of the edits. 
> 
> I’m quite excited with what I have. Emmy and Vania have both surprised me again despite the outline I originally had, and I can’t wait to show you what happens. 
> 
> I hope you can leave kudos or comments to let me know you’re still reading this — I know it’s been a while!
> 
> Thanks again to The_Big_Wee_Hag for beta-reading this chapter; any mistakes left are my own.

A late autumn breeze swept by as the last sunlight of the day bathed the castle in the distance in an orange glow. Half the castle was hidden in shadow, with barely any light coming out of the windows. 

Squire Emmeline of Tirragen shivered on top of her mare despite the expensive new cloak she wore, and swallowed as she turned away from her childhood home to face her knight mistress.

“You really don’t have to give me a Midwinter gift, my lady.”

Lady Knight Alanna of Pirates’ Swoop and Olau snorted in reply, and glanced pointedly at her squire for a moment. They both knew it was far too late to turn back. When she spoke, her voice was gentler than expected. “You deserve one. And you deserve a chance to talk things out with your brother. You know I keep my word. If you want to leave, we’ll be out of here the moment you say so. But you should at least try.”

Emmy avoided her gaze, and stared at Castle Tirragen once more. Despite how gloomy it looked, she had good memories there. Even though she had lost both her parents at a young age and her family’s reputation was in shreds, she had never been alone. She had Xander. He had always tried to cheer her up, and had always looked out for her. In turn, she had changed her life for him. She had signed up for knight training in the hopes of redeeming her family name, so that one day Xander could hold his head up high as the Lord of Tirragen. 

Things had been simpler then. 

Last summer, she had admitted to Xander that she liked women, not men. He was shocked, and hurtful words were exchanged. None of them had mentioned that conversation since, and their letters had remained short and formal. She had no idea what he thought now, and if he had changed his mind at all. She knew that neither of them could talk freely about the matter in their letters out of fear that they might fall into the wrong hands. The only way to find out how he felt now would be to talk to him in person. 

Alanna understood how siblings worked. She had had a twin brother once, and she had had disagreements with Thom too. Even though this would be the first time she could actually spend Midwinter with Emmy since becoming her knight mistress — she had been in the Copper Isles their first winter, and Emmy had spent the last winter with spidrens — she had offered to let Emmy go home to talk to her brother. Knowing that things might not go smoothly, she had offered to escort her, and to bring Emmy back to Corus if she decided that spending the winter with her brother was not going to work out. 

Emmy had been both touched and daunted. She had missed her brother, but she was also afraid that Xander still disapproved of her preference for women, and that they might never again be as close as they had once been.

But part of her needed to know. 

It felt like an increasingly small part of her. The thought of facing her brother now made her slightly nauseous — what if her brother still thought she was bringing shame to the family? What if he couldn’t look her in the eye anymore? 

“Ready?” Alanna asked quietly. 

Emmy took a deep breath, and reminded herself that she was not alone. She had Alanna, who had promised to leave with her straight away if she felt like she had to, even if it was the middle of the night. She had Vania, who had held her and kissed her and told her that she loved her no matter what others thought of her, waiting in the palace. She could face this.

She nodded. “Let’s go.”

*

Emmy felt it the moment she laid eyes on her brother. Xander was smiling, though there was a stiffness to his posture, and he did not open his arms for a hug like the last time she saw him. 

“Emmy,” he greeted her with a smile and nod before turning to Alanna, “Lady Alanna, welcome again.” He bowed from his seat, “I’m honoured to have you back here.”

Alanna put a hand on Emmy’s shoulder, giving it a small squeeze. She must have seen the stiffness in Xander too. “It’s good to be back. Emmy deserves a trip home. I’m sure you’ve heard of what she did over the summer?”

Xander’s eyes glanced briefly at Emmy before darting away. “Indeed, she’d mentioned it in her letters. The heralds have passed by the fiefdom as well. I’m told there were some cheers when the news was announced in the town square.” He turned to smile at Emmy, though it looked a little sad. “You’re becoming quite the hero around here, Emmy. I’m proud of you.”

Emmy felt a lump in her throat. _Are you?_ She wanted to ask, but the words were caught in the tip of her tongue. 

Perhaps fortunately, they were interrupted by the sound of the door opening. They all turned to see Trish entering with a tray of goblets and pitcher, followed by Tom, who was carrying a large tray with their dinners. Trish looked markedly different — gone was the skinny girl who held herself a little too defensively. This Trish looked much healthier, and walked with a confidence that seemed to soften her edges. 

“Please, have a seat.” Xander said, gesturing to the grand dinner table in the middle of the room. He wheeled himself to the end of the table, and Alanna and Emmy sat themselves on one side.

After Trish sat the last plate down, Emmy was surprised to see another set of plates served on the other side of the table. With a quick look at the two women across the table, Trish sat down, while Tom remained standing next to Xander’s chair.

Seeing the slight surprise on the guests’ faces, Xander reached out, and placed one hand on Trish’s on the table. His smile reached his eyes for the first time that evening, and there was a hint of excitement even as he said, “There is something that I’d like to tell you both. I’m glad that you’re both here, because I didn’t want to say this by letter. 

“I’m planning to take Trish as my wife,” he said, and Emmy’s eyes widened. “And since you are both here, I’d love for the both of you to be at my wedding. Why don’t we have the hand-fasting ceremony in two days?”

He squeezed Trish’s hand quickly, and the two of them exchanged a look that spoke volumes about the love they shared. Emmy felt her heart lighten — when was the last time she had seen Xander so genuinely happy?

“In two days?” Alanna repeated.

Xander chuckled. “Yes. I apologise for the abruptness, my lady. But I do not have illusions of having many who care about my wedding, nor do I pretend to have the funds for elaborate celebrations. All that matters to me is that Emmy is here to witness it,” he finished more quietly, his eyes locking with Emmy’s. 

Emmy swallowed the sudden lump in her throat, and broke into a smile. “Of course I’d be there. I’m glad for you both.”

“As am I,” Alanna said, raising her goblet with a grin. “Congratulations!”

They all raised their goblets in turn. Emmy took a large sip before looking, and almost choked at the unfamiliar taste of wine in her mouth. 

Alanna snorted, patting her back a little as she coughed. 

“Still not used to wine, Emmy?” Xander teased gently, his eyes mildly apologetic.

“Oh no, do you not drink wine?” Trish said suddenly, aghast. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know!”

Emmy shook her head just as Xander gave Trish’s hand a reassuring squeeze. “It’s alright. Don’t worry.”

“Our father was a drunk,” Xander said quietly, though she couldn’t tell if it was for Trish or Alanna’s benefit. “We both grew up not liking it. But I’ve found that it’s useful.” He glanced at Emmy briefly. “It’s often easier to drink when we have dinner guests. We don’t need more reasons for people to find us strange.”

It was something that Emmy had not noticed before. How could she not, though? Now that she thought about it, Xander had served wine to the table the last time she visited with the Riders and Baron Cooper. She had not realised that Xander had drunk as well. He had changed without her realising, and he had done it to make the best living he could under the circumstances.

“All things are fine in moderation,” Alanna chimed in, turning a sideway glance at her. “Spirits like brandy could be essential in medical situations. An occasional cup of wine is good for health. You don’t have to drink if you don’t want to, but it’s not helpful to reject something entirely without ever giving it a chance. Like Xander said, it can be useful on occasion.”

Emmy nodded meekly. She took another small slip from her goblet, noting the strange new flavour on her tongue. “I suppose we all have to change.”

Xander’s brows furrowed ever so slightly, and she could tell from his eyes that he was also thinking about all the things that remained unsaid between them.

“Start slowly,” Alanna said, nodding at the goblet, “you’ll need to figure out what your limit is.”

Xander chuckled. “That would be a night to remember.”

Alanna snorted in reply. “Speaking of a night to remember, what are you planning for your wedding day?”

Emmy only half listened as Xander’s eyes lit up again, and he and Trish took turns explaining the hand fasting ceremony and the special dinner that would be prepared. Some of the elders in the main town would be invited as courtesy, though Xander doubted that all of them would respond to the invitation. He was more keen on having a special dinner for all the servants in the castle, who had grown to know and respect him, and who felt like family.

“You’ve put me in a bind, Xander,” Alanna said after listening to his plans. 

Xander tensed. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t have time to find a wedding gift.”

Xander laughed. “Your presence is a gift in itself! Having the Lioness and King’s Champion at my wedding is a story I’ll never get tired of telling, trust me.”

Emmy grinned. “You could’ve written earlier, and we would have been more prepared.”

Xander lowered his head to sip from his goblet. “It’s not a big thing, Emmy. I didn’t want to disrupt your plans.”

Emmy’s hand tightened around her fork, and she forced herself to relax. Did Xander really think that his own wedding was unimportant? That somehow Emmy would not try her best to make it? 

“I would have let her go, if she’d asked,” Alanna said instead. “You’re very important to her.”

Xander’s smile was tight. “As she is to me. You’ve taught and protected her, and you’ve brought her here for a stay when you don’t have to. Trust me, there is nothing better you could give me, my lady.”

Dinner continued as Tom brought in the dessert, though Emmy didn’t talk much for the rest of it. Her mind replayed Xander’s words over and over, and she felt a growing unease that she couldn’t identify. 

After dinner was done, she trailed Xander silently to his study. They settled around the fireplace like they always had, though he busied himself with making tea. 

“I’m glad for you and Trish.” Emmy said as she watched him pour tea for them both. “When did you start courting her?”

Xander’s expression relaxed, and Emmy was glad that she chose the right topic. “I fell for her about a month after she came here. She’s amazing. She’s funny, and strong, and… and she didn’t care for titles or wealth or… the way I am.”

“You’re great,” she said quietly.

Xander smiled a little. “You know what I mean. I resisted at first, because it felt like I was taking advantage of her. She had to make the first move, and forced me to admit my feelings.”

Emmy grinned. She remembered how fierce Trish had been even when she was being bullied. “It sounds like her all right.”

Xander chuckled, nursing his tea. When he looked up, his eyes were searching. “How have you been? I know I said this in my letters, but gods, _spidrens_ , Emmy! I still can’t believe you lived with spidrens for a whole winter!”

Emmy felt herself mentally shrink at the look of awe and respect in his eyes. There seemed to be a distance between them that was not there before. She had seen the same looks among her year mates and the pages, but it felt ten times worse seeing it in her brother’s eyes. 

“I got used to it,” she finally said. “They are not as bad as people make them out to be.”

“I know, you said that in your letters too. It’s just… it’s just hard to believe.” He snorted lightly. “You know, I haven’t even seen a live spidren before, but you’ve lived among them, and strengthened an alliance with them that helped the whole kingdom. 

“You… you’ve come so far,” he said quietly, “I’m proud of you.”

She felt tears gather in her eyes. “Are you really? Even when I like women, and not men?”

Xander winced, and she tensed as she mentally braced herself.

“You can do what you want. You don’t have to listen to me anymore.”

She blinked, and felt tears slip from her eyes. She had braced herself for him trying to talk her out of it. She had been prepared to defend herself and Vania. But she hadn’t been prepared for this… this sense of resignation from him. 

“You’ve done great things,” he continued, keeping his gaze on the fireplace, “for yourself, for the fief, and for me. You have the respect of the Lioness, and even the king. You can do what you want.”

She swallowed thickly as she tried to find her words. “Is that really what you think? Do you… do you resent me for what I’ve done?”

He winced again. “How could I?” 

He still refused to meet her eyes. She didn’t know what to say. 

She stood up, wiping her eyes roughly. “I should go. I need to find something presentable for your wedding.” 

Once in her room, she cried herself to sleep, not knowing why this hurt so much more than an outright rejection.

*

Alanna took one look at her the next morning, and seemed to catch on. She kept Emmy busy throughout the day with training and chores even as the rest of the castle bustled with cleaning and preparations for the wedding. They didn’t even get to have meals with Xander and Trish. 

The wedding itself was busier than they had been expecting, given the last minute preparations and what Xander had described. But having the King’s Champion here might have been a reason why the elders in town brought their whole families, enough to almost fill the grand dining hall. Many went straight to greet Alanna and Emmy after congratulating their lord. 

Emmy caught a glimpse of Xander and Trish sitting by themselves at the grand table, though the two of them seemed to have eyes only for each other. They looked genuinely happy, at least. 

At the end of the night, Alanna pulled her into her room. “I need you to tell me,” she said gently, “Do you want to come back with me to Corus?”

She felt tears well in her eyes. “Yes.” 

“Should we leave tomorrow?”

“Please,” she whispered. 

Unexpectedly, she pulled Emmy into a hug, patting her back before letting go. 

“Pack your bags, then.” 

*

Alanna didn’t press Emmy for answers when they got on the road the next day, and Emmy was glad. She still remembered the look in Xander’s eyes when they told him they had to leave for some palace business. There was disappointment, but also understanding and resignation. 

If he had asked her to stay, she might have agreed. But he didn’t.

She rode mostly in silence, and Alanna let her be. It was only during the noon meal that she mustered the courage to address it. 

“Thank you for offering to bring me back to Tirragen, my lady.”

Alanna’s eyes were sympathetic. “I’m sorry it didn’t go well with your brother.”

Emmy shrugged, hugging herself a little as she held her bread in one hand, not quite feeling her appetite. “He didn’t… he said I could do what I want, that I don’t have to listen to him anymore.”

Alanna sighed. “He needs more time. He’ll come around.”

Emmy swallowed. “How do you know?”

“Both of you care deeply for one another. That kind of bond doesn’t just go away.”

She blinked quickly, barely stopping her tears from falling. “It feels like he’d given up on me.”

“He hasn’t,” Alanna said firmly, “And you’re not giving up on him either.”

Emmy sniffled, looking away as she quickly wiped the corner of her eyes. 

“Have I given you any reason not to trust me?” 

Emmy shook her head. 

“Good. Then trust me on this. Give it more time. He’ll come around one day.”

She nodded. She couldn’t see how it would happen, but Alanna had never led her astray. So she clung on to the hope she offered, and prayed that that day would come soon.

*

Two nights later, she woke up at a firm grip on her arm. Her eyes shot open, and felt a finger on her lips. A dark figure shaped like Alanna held a finger to her lips. 

Outside their tent, their mares were neighing in panic and stomping their feet on the ground. There was only one type of threat that would elicit the kind of response from their battle-trained horses. 

Immortals.

Emmy scrambled out of her bedroll and reached for her sword. Alanna waited for her to be ready, and stepped outside. Emmy followed suit.

A chilly breeze swept past her, and she shivered, but not at the cold. The clearing outside their tent was eerily empty. But to their left, the horses were in near panic. 

Emmy reached up and touched the bloodstone on her neck. 

She almost jumped at the crowd of spidrens gathered in front of them, each ringed by the light green glow of their illusion spell. There were at least twenty adults, with a mass of young spidrens barely two feet tall crowding around their feet, or piled in twos and threes on their bodies. The adults stood still, though the young spidrens shuffled and pulsed with curiosity, peering at the two humans about thirty feet ahead of them.

It had been almost a year ago now that she had agreed to stay with a coven of spidrens. The immortals alliance that she had worked to save had remained standing, though she had not heard any news about the spidrens specifically. She had sometimes wondered how Skora and her coven were doing. 

But in all her musings, she would not have expected a visit by what looks like most of her coven in the middle of the night, on the Great Road East to Corus. If they were still based in the same place, they had traveled some distance to get here.

A familiar, eight-foot tall spidren skittered forward, looking at Emmy pointedly. “I see you have learned how to use your gift.”

“Skora,” Emmy greeted, and remembered to bow.

“Skora,” Alanna repeated impatiently, “Would you show yourself? Not all of us can see through your spells.”

Skora grinned, showing rows of sharp teeth. The green glow disappeared from around her form, and, a moment later, from the spidrens behind her. Emmy took her hand off her bloodstone, and saw dark, huddled masses in the moonlight. 

Alanna sent a ball of violet light hovering above them, illuminating the spidrens more clearly. Emmy saw her stiffen when she realised how many there were. 

“Lioness.”

“What brings you here, Skora?” Alanna asked, lowering her sword.

Skora watched as Emmy followed suit. “Your squire, once again.”

Alanna’s hand stilled. “What about Emmy?”

Skora took a few steps to the side, cocking her head a little. “I heard some interesting news lately. I don’t deal with humans much, and have only recently heard this from the centaurs. Tell me, did your squire really kill Silversmith three months ago?”

“Yes, she did.”

The coven moved, agitation moving through the mass of shadows in a series of groans and growls and muttered curses. 

“It was thanks to the bloodstone you gave me,” Emmy hurried to say, and she caught everyone’s attention. “He was using his illusion spell, and I was the only one who could track him and stop him from getting away.” 

Skora’s gaze on her was intense.

“I couldn’t have done it without your help, Skora. You’ve avenged your younglings like you said you would.”

Skora threw her head back, and laughed. Emmy tensed, not knowing what to make of it, just as it had been a year ago. She had always felt like Skora was laughing at her, at something she didn’t understand. 

“You keep surprising me, child,” Skora finally said, watching Emmy with a thoughtful look. The rest of her coven watched in dead silence. Skora skittered a little to the left, and back to the right. “But you keep putting me in a bind. You see, I hate owing favours. And I hate owing favours to humans even more.”

“You don’t —” Skora glared, and the words died in Emmy’s throat.

“Silversmith was our enemy too,” Alanna added. “He had a full Crown party including a princess trapped. Emmy had no choice.”

Skora lifted two of her legs and waved the objections away. “It doesn’t matter. Silversmith was mine to kill, the vengeance ours to take.”

Some of her coven hissed in agreement, tapping their feet impatiently. Skora silenced them with a look. 

“Tell me, how did he die?”

Emmy exchanged a quick look with Alanna. “He had a spell that leeched off the mages’ Gifts,” Emmy said nervously, “but my lady and I hurt him with some knives, and I tracked him to the room he was hiding in. I cut off his hand when he tried to use those Gifts on me, and asked him to break the spell. He pulled my sword into his own throat, and the spell imploded, burning him alive.”

“Which spell was it?”

“The Gate of Idramm.” Alanna said. 

Skora snapped her head to her. “What did you say?”

Alanna frowned. “The Gate of Idramm. Have you heard of it?”

Skora was silent for a moment, holding her gaze on Alanna. Finally, she looked away, up at the moon that was almost to the horizon. Dawn was coming. 

“I’ve read about it, in one of our stone libraries.”

Emmy’s eyes widened. She remembered Skora telling her about this — back before the immortals were banished to the Divine Realms more than four centuries ago, spidrens had their own system of writing. They had mage scholars who carved their knowledge into stone slabs, forming libraries in the form of stone labyrinths. It was one of the first things Skora had sought after the immortals’ release from the Divine Realms after four hundred years, but she could not find any of them. 

“I wish you had left him to me. I would have loved to find out why he seems to have deep knowledge of my kind.” 

“Like I said, Emmy didn’t have a choice,” Alanna said firmly. “It was either kill him, or let a full Crown party and a princess be captured. What do you mean — do you have records of the Gate in your libraries?”

Skora scoffed. “We have records of many great spells in our libraries. The Gate is but one of them. But he knew how to turn our blood magic against us. To know that, and about the Gate itself, is suspicious. There aren’t many places where humans can learn about the Gate, isn’t it?”

Alanna looked away with a scowl. “No. There are some old scrolls that referred to it, but certainly not many places where one could learn it. We’ve been trying to figure out how he did it.”

Skora sighed. “If only the dead could talk.” She shook her head, and turned her attention back to Emmy. “Nevertheless, you did help us get revenge, even if we would have preferred to do it ourselves. We owe you a favour.” 

Emmy swallowed. “It’s fine, really.”

“That is not our way. Spidrens don’t forget, human.” Skora turned back to her coven, her gaze lingering on the smaller shadows that huddled curiously around the adult spidrens’ feet and backs. She lifted something from the assortment of things hanging around her neck, and held it out. 

It was the tip of a large silver spidren claw, hanging from a piece of thin rope. It was almost a foot long, and it swung a little on the ends of the rope, looking lighter than it should.

“Take it,” Skora said after a moment. The impatience in her voice made Emmy step forward and close her hand around the rope.

It was lighter than a normal silver claw should be, and she realised why after she took a proper look at it. The inside of the claw was hollow, carved out all the way to the end, leaving a small hole at the tip of the claw.

“That belongs to one of my children who had died in battle. It has been infused with my spell, and all spidrens within ten miles would hear its call. Blow it when you need us. Those of us nearby will answer, and come to your aid.” 

Skora stepped forward, leaning close as Emmy stared at her with wide eyes. “You get _one_ favour. Whoever aids you will take this away when the favour is done. Use it well.”

She turned to Alanna next. “Lioness. I know other immortals have signed treaties with your king to prevent bloodshed. I am willing to talk to other covens about a treaty. Would you and the Wildmage be open to negotiations?”

Alanna’s eyes widened a little, and she seemed speechless. Emmy didn’t blame her. Spidrens were notoriously hard to work with, and it had been more than a decade since the first treaty with the immortals were signed. This was the first time the spidrens had expressed any interests in a treaty.

Alanna recovered a moment later, nodding firmly. “Yes, we would be glad to begin negotiations. When would you like to start? The Wildmage is in Corus right now, and we would need a few weeks to get things going.”

Skora nodded. “I will need to talk to other coven leaders as well. But with your squire’s role in killing Silversmith, I believe we have a good case to make that a treaty with humans might be helpful. Send someone over to share your initial terms before Midwinter, and we will share ours. We can begin negotiations in the spring.”

Alanna broke into a small smile. “That would work. Thank you.”

Skora nodded. Her eyes flicked to Emmy. “I will be watching you, Emmeline of Tirragen. I have a feeling that you will surprise us again.”

Emmy felt her jaw go slack. Skora had never addressed her by name, not once in the whole winter she had spent in the same cave as her. 

“You know my name,” she said dumbly.

Skora snorted. “I heard you the first time.”

With that, she and the rest of the spidrens vanished into thin air. When Emmy recovered enough to touch her bloodstone, she could only see flashes of green-edged shadows disappearing into the trees around them. 

Alanna let out a slow breath behind her. She patted her shoulder, making Emmy jump. “Skora is full of interesting gifts, isn’t she?”

Emmy turned the hollowed out claw in her hand. Up close, she could see intricate carvings all around it, embedding the spell into the claw itself. They were beautiful, and the simple rope did not seem to match it in elegance. 

“I don’t know why she keeps giving them to me,” she muttered without thinking.

Alanna laughed, and slapped her back a few times. “Gods, Emmy. I don’t know how you keep doing them favours! Well, I’m going to calm the horses down. You start doing your warm-up exercises. Doesn’t seem like there’s any point in getting back to sleep now.”

She spent a few more moments examining the claw. Once, a claw like this had been stabbed into her shoulder and caused a severe infection, and she had almost died from it. Like most humans, she had thought of spidrens as vicious monsters, and she had thought that she would spend her training and her career as a knight protecting other people from them. 

Then last winter happened — she had volunteered to spend a winter with Skora and her coven to prevent the fragile immortals alliance from falling apart. Through her time there, she had learned that spidrens had a long scholarly history that was little understood, and that their loyalty to their coven was ferocious. Still, they seem to have a cavalier attitude towards human life, even though their attitude towards honour was anything but. 

Spidrens confused her. She did not know if she could trust them, even though Skora had given her a bloodstone that had not just saved her life but the lives of those she loved and respected. And now, Skora had given her this. What should she do with it? Could she really summon a group of spidrens when she wanted? What would she do once they arrived? 

Sighing, she turned to head back to the tent to store the claw in her bags. She would have to talk to Vania about it when they get back to the palace. Maybe she could help her make sense of everything.


	2. Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to the amazing The_Big_Wee_Hag for beta-reading this chapter and getting it into a better shape!

Cateline’s suite looked quite different from the first time Vania had visited, months ago. It used to resemble any other guest suite in the palace, but it now felt much more lived in, and the decorations were more purposeful. The furniture in the main room had been moved to create a large empty space in the centre; the desk had been pushed towards the end of the wall opposite the fireplace, and the armchairs around the fireplace were drawn closer towards it. It was not a conventional or socially appropriate arrangement for a princess’ suite. 

Fianola, who visited the Tyran princess almost once a week, had told Vania that Cateline had arranged the space for sword practice. Cateline practiced with Adith, the only one of her servants permitted to stay with her. The other servants had been reassigned to the main palace service, joining the lowest-ranked servants, given the political turmoil happening in Tyra along with Cateline’s disgraced status. Fianola practiced with the princess herself on every visit, and encouraged Vania to do the same if she had the time. 

That was why Vania had worn her practice clothes, even though it was a social visit, and she had taken to wearing dresses on her days off in the palace. 

“It’s an unconventional arrangement, I know,” Cateline admitted as she watched Vania survey the room. 

Vania gave her an encouraging smile. “I think you’ve made it work.”

Cateline ducked her head. She glanced back at the fireplace, and at Adith’s nod, gestured for Vania to sit down. “Come, have a seat. It is a little cramped, but we can still chat comfortably.”

Vania chuckled. “I just came back from the road. This is positively luxurious, trust me.”

“How is it out there?” Cateline asked, her eyes wistful. “Did you come from the north or the south? Has it started snowing up north?”

Vania paused for a moment, inwardly aghast that her attempt to make Cateline comfortable had made her sad instead. Cateline must be missing the world outside these walls after spending half a year in the palace on house arrest. 

“It’s freezing,” she said finally, trying to smile. “We weren’t even that far north — only a few days away. It’s likely already snowing around the Grimhold Mountains, but hopefully it won’t come here that soon.”

Cateline smiled shyly. “I’m hoping for it to come sooner, actually. I grew up without snow, and it was absolutely beautiful last winter. I’ve been waiting to relive it all year.”

Vania’s eyes widened, then she remembered that Tyra’s weather was similar to Carthak’s, and the Tyrans experienced only mild seasons. Even the Great Southern Desert was colder at night than it got on Tyra’s coldest days. 

“Well, snow will come eventually. There’ll be snowball fights, you should join us!”

“Do you think I can?” She asked, glancing at the door to the suite, behind which two guards stood at the ready every hour of the day.

Vania’s face fell. “I can try to pull some favours. A few hours out in the snow wouldn’t hurt anyone.”

“It is fine,” Cateline turned to gesture at the big window to her side. “There is this, too. I’ll still get to see snow.”

“Cateline,” Vania said, reaching out to cover her hand, concerned at how forlorn she sounded, “how are you doing?”

Cateline stiffened, but she didn’t pull her hand away, and so Vania didn’t let go. 

“I’m doing well. Last I heard, my mother and other relatives are languishing in a dungeon while the council squabbles over what to do with them. That was months ago now. Who knows how they are doing now? This —” she looked around her suite, “— is likely the most luxurious prison there is.”

Vania almost winced at the echo of her own words. 

“I get to have Adith accompany me, I get to practice, and I get visitors like Fianola, Emmy, and yourself,” she smiled sadly, “What more can I ask for?”

Vania squeezed her hand. A few months ago, Cateline had been her future sister-in-law. It upset Vania that her fortune had changed so drastically through no action of her own. She didn’t know what else she could say. 

“Is there anything you need?”

“Thank you. Fianola and Emmy asked the same thing. But…” Cateline took a deep breath, and glanced at the door to her bedroom, where Adith had retreated to to give them both privacy. “There is something that I feel you may be able to offer.”

Vania squeezed her hand again. “Anything I can do, I’ll do my best.”

“Could you — could you make sure that Adith goes free?” she said, her eyes pleading as she squeezed Vania’s hand back, “I know word will come soon about my fate. But Adith is a servant, she’d be tainted, and no noble house would ever hire her. She’d likely be cast to a hard life of labour somewhere, and I can’t bear the thought of that. She deserves so much more.”

Vania blinked, surprised by the intensity of Cateline’s emotions. There was something familiar about the desperation Cateline felt for Adith. They seemed much closer than just mistress and servant, and she wondered how close they really were.

“ _Please_ ,” Cateline begged, her voice cracking. 

Vania nodded quickly. “I’ll try my best.”

Cateline’s smile was wobbly. “Thank you.”

She smiled back, though part of her was wary. What could she really do if Tyra wanted Adith and the other servants back? It would impact the relations between the two kingdoms, and that was out of her hands. 

She prayed that she wouldn’t have to find out. 

*

Emmy woke with a gasp. She sat up in her bedroll, pressing her palm to her forehead as she tried to recall her already slipping dream. 

It was the boy with the blue eyes again. Since the battle at Genlith, she had been dreaming about this boy. Sometimes, he would appear to be as young as five years old, or as old as sixteen. And yet, she would always recognise him despite never having seen him in her life. His blue eyes were familiar, and she had strong feelings about him.

She always really liked him. Her dream self would often be playing with him. Sometimes she would share meals with him and his beautiful mother, in a humble looking wooden hut that must be his home. She always felt like they were best friends. 

A violet flame burst into existence, and Emmy averted her eyes as it illuminated the tent brightly. 

“This is the third time this week.” 

Emmy blinked quickly, trying to get used to the light. “My lady?”

“Your nightmares. You never had them before, at least not so frequently,” Alanna said with a frown. “What’s wrong?” 

She hung her head, knowing that she couldn’t hide them any longer. 

“Well?”

“I’m sorry I woke you up.”

Alanna shook her head. “That’s not why I’m asking. I want to know what’s bothering you.”

“It’s not a big deal.” 

“It’s a big enough deal that it’s sometimes slowing you down in our morning training.”

Emmy felt her cheeks flush. She had definitely not noticed that. To be caught by Alanna was mortifying. 

“What are they about?” Alanna moved her flame to a candle as she set it between their bedrolls. She was bringing her full attention to bear — there was no running away from the conversation now. 

Emmy swallowed. “I don’t really know. There is always this boy that I don’t know. He has blue eyes and black hair. Sometimes he is young — we are both children running around the fields. Sometimes he is older — eight, twelve, or sixteen. We are always be spending time together, playing, or eating at his home, or just lying down to nap. The details slip when I wake up, but I know it’s always the same boy. It’s like I know him.”

Alanna was looking at her intensely, and did not speak for a moment. 

“When did the dreams start?”

“After…” she gulped, “… after the battle at Genlith.”

“Genlith?” Alanna repeated, her voice dangerously quiet.

She ducked her head. “Yes, my lady.”

Alanna cursed. A moment later, she reached forward and twisted Emmy’s ear sharply. Emmy winced but bit back a yelp, knowing that she deserved this. 

“Genlith! That was months ago! Why didn’t you say anything earlier?”

Emmy bit her lip.

“You were injured in a magical attack! This could be related to that, and we could have looked into it earlier! Instead, you let this fester for _months_ — what if it is related? What if it’s doing something to you?” Letting out another curse, Alanna got out of her bedroll. 

“Don’t move,” she warned when Emmy tried to follow suit. She settled behind her, and a slightly cool sensation appeared on the back of Emmy’s head. The violet glow coming from behind her told her that Alanna was examining her. 

The glow moved down her head through her spine, and finally disappeared as her knight mistress muttered another curse.

Alanna’s scowl was still evident as she sat back down on her bedroll, though her eyes were grim and clouded with worry. “There is something small inside you, something I’ve never seen before.”

Emmy felt a chill down her spine. “Something _inside_ me?” 

“It’s barely there, and it’s not doing anything to your body, as far as I can tell. I think,” Alanna closed her eyes tiredly, “I think I missed it earlier, because it felt like part of your head injury. The last time I examined you for that injury, I didn’t probe as deep, because it was supposed to be healing. I’m sorry.”

Emmy leaned forward, shaking her head, “No, it’s not your fault, my lady! Please don’t apologise.” 

Alanna opened her eyes again, and trained stern eyes on Emmy. “Not examining you thoroughly is on me. But not telling me about these dreams is on _you_. Why didn’t you say anything?”

She blinked quickly, trying to keep her tears from falling. She felt awful. Vania had warned her about this, had asked and pleaded with her to tell Alanna about the dreams. Yet she had bitten her tongue every time. There never seemed to be a good time, and when there was, Emmy would convince herself that it was not a big deal, and that somehow the dreams were becoming less frequent. They had just been on a good streak recently, and when Alanna offered to bring Emmy to Tirragen, she didn’t want to do anything that could jeopardise it. 

“I’m sorry,” she finally said, “I really didn’t think it was a big deal.”

“With the timing and your injury, did you really not think it might be related?” Alanna asked, the disappointment in her voice hitting Emmy harder than her earlier anger. “I know you’re sharper than this.”

This time, she did quickly wipe away her tears, knowing that she could no longer hide them from Alanna. 

“What is the real reason?” Alanna asked again, her voice weary. “Have I not earned your trust?”

She shook her head. “I trust you. I trust you with my life.”

“Then tell me why.”

She sniffled. “I didn’t… I didn’t want you to worry. You were already feeling bad about what happened, at Genlith and after. I didn’t… I didn’t want to remind you of that. Especially for something as silly as weird dreams.”

Alanna sighed heavily. “Gods damn it, Emmy!” She muttered a few more curses, running her hand through her hair. “It’s my _job_ to protect you, and it’s my _job_ to worry! You’re not making it easy for me! And weird dreams after a magically induced injury? Even a fool could guess that they might be related — it’s not silly, it’s dangerous!”

Emmy flinched, keeping her head down. For a few long moments, it was only the sound of Alanna’s deep breathing in the tent. 

“I expected better of you,” Alanna finally said, her disappointment cutting Emmy straight to the heart. Abruptly, she blew out the candle. The soft sounds of Alanna climbing back into her bedroll were stark in the sudden darkness. “This isn’t over. We’ll talk in the morning.”

“I’m sorry,” Emmy whispered again, though only silence greeted her in the dark.

She sat for a few long moments, trying to be quiet as she wiped at her tears. Belatedly, she realised that her hands were shaking. Alanna had never been this disappointed in her before. What if she had ruined their relationship? What if Alanna never treated her the same way again? Why hadn’t she listened to Vania when she pleaded with her to come clean about her dreams? 

It took her a long time to lie back down, and even then, her mind would not settle. Guilt and doubt clouded her thoughts, and she fought the urge to turn around. 

When she blinked her eyes open again, it was already dawn. She pushed herself up groggily, wondering if she had actually slept at all. 

Alanna’s bedroll was empty. 

When Emmy emerged from the tent, Alanna was cooking breakfast instead of doing warm ups for their morning training. 

Alanna looked up. “Freshen up, and we’ll talk,” she said, sounding calmer than she had the previous night, “Let’s not pretend that either of us got enough sleep. Training in this state would be a waste of time.”

“Yes, my lady,” Emmy muttered, fleeing to do as she was bid.

When she sat down tentatively next to the fire, Alanna wordlessly handed her a bowl of porridge. They ate in silence for a few moments before Alanna began. 

“You have a good heart, Emmy. It’s part of why you won me over — why you won so many of us over, even though we fought against your uncle. It’s why I think you’ll be a fine knight one day. But you have to learn to protect yourself better. I don’t mean just physically. Things like this, and the time when you took that potion to save the healer last winter,” she shook her head, “you have to take care of yourself first. How can you watch out for others when you don’t take care of yourself?”

Emmy blinked rapidly, looking up at the lightening sky as she tried not to begin crying again. She was trying her best, but she couldn’t seem to do the right thing. 

“I just…” she swallowed, looking down at her bowl, “I don’t want others to get hurt, or to worry, if there is something I can do about it.”

“I know you don’t,” Alanna said, her voice surprisingly gentle, “But you’re going about this in a short sighted way. How can you protect others from getting hurt when you get hurt yourself? How can I not worry if I can’t trust that you’re taking care of yourself?”

Emmy wiped her eyes quickly. Alanna’s words made sense. Why hadn’t she thought about this in this way before? 

“I thought about this a lot last night. I realised I would never understand what it’s like growing up in Tirragen, or having bastards like Darius pushing you around all day when you were just a child. But — look at me, Emmy.” 

Alanna waited until Emmy met her eyes, “You deserve to be loved and taken care of, and you have to start with yourself. Do you understand me?”

Emmy felt tears slip from her eyes again, and she wiped them hastily even as she felt warmth bloom in her heart. Other than Vania, no one had been this plain with her about her deserving of love and care. And Vania was her lover, so Emmy was not surprised to hear her say that. But with everyone else, there was so much she still had to prove, and so much kindness she had to repay. Tirragen was still a rotten name. She and Xander owed their people so much for the decades of suffering their uncle had brought. 

“But there is so much I have to do, my lady. Tirragen needs me. Xander…”

“Look at this another way,” Alanna said, handing her a handkerchief at the same time, “Think about Trish. When we first met her, she was homeless and harassed by bullies. Did you think she deserved that?”

“No, of course not. She was hit by misfortune. The rebels’ attack killed her family.” 

“Yes, you knew she didn’t deserve it, and you decided to help her and bring her back to the castle. Why can’t you look at yourself through the same eyes, and be kinder to yourself?”

By now, Emmy had her eyes squeezed shut, and she was rubbing furiously at her face because she couldn’t stop her tears. She didn’t understand it. She was mad at herself for being so embarrassingly emotional in front of Alanna. But her heart ached when she tried to do what Alanna said — she wanted to cry for her younger self, who hadn’t done anything to deserve everything being a Tirragen had meant, who hadn’t deserved the way Darius had treated her. 

Xander had always taught her not to dwell on self-pity, and to do their best to repent for the suffering their family had brought to their people. But did it ever mean that she didn’t deserve to be loved and taken care of? Why hadn’t she thought about that before? 

Alanna wrapped her in a hug, tugging her face into her shoulder. Emmy let herself cry, and let Alanna comfort her by rubbing circles on her back. 

“You deserve to be loved and taken care of, and there are many in your life now who would happily do it,” Alanna said quietly. “But you have to start with yourself. Do you understand now?”

She wasn’t sure she did. It felt like there was a fine line between self-pity and thinking that she deserved better. But at least she was beginning to see that there was a difference. Still too emotional to speak, she settled for nodding wetly into Alanna’s shoulder. 

“Good. I want you to keep thinking about that so you don’t forget.” Alanna patted her back, “Now, there’s nothing I can do about the dreams — we will have to consult with Baird and Numair when we get back. But whatever happens, you won’t be alone, Emmy.”

Feeling fresh tears coming, she could only nod again, and let herself be held for a little while longer. 

*

After they arrived at the palace days later, Alanna barely let her drop her bags before dragging her to see Duke Baird and sending a runner off to track down Master Salmalín. The chief healer listened to Alanna’s explanations with a frown, and performed an examination of his own. 

Emmy sat still and tried to calm her wildly beating heart. While she had not had another one of her dreams on any of the three nights since her conversation with Alanna, she hadn’t slept well either, now that she knew something — something _inside_ her — was causing her dreams. 

Just as Duke Baird finished his examination, Master Salmalín arrived, and Alanna repeated her explanation, more impatiently than before. Master Salmalín performed yet another examination, and, when he was done, the mages exchanged grim looks. 

“Well?” Alanna demanded, arms crossed. 

Emmy saw through the curt reply to the worry beneath. She was sitting on a patient bed with her legs hanging off on one side, and she gripped the edge of the bed tightly as she watched the exchange. 

“I’ve read about something like this, but I’ve never encountered one myself,” Master Salmalín said, “it seems like it’s a… fragment, if you will, of another’s Gift.”

Duke Baird nodded as both Emmy’s and Alanna’s eyes widened in shock. “Medically, it is not doing anything to Emmy’s body. And since it has been around four months since the incident at Genlith, I think it’s safe enough to say that it doesn’t seem to be having any long term effects.”

“But what is it? Could it be doing something later even if it’s not doing it now?” Alanna asked, throwing a worried glance at Emmy. “What if it’s just waiting for someone to perform a specific spell?”

“That is theoretically possible,” Master Salmalín said, “but from what I’ve read, an awakening spell like that would need to be very specific, almost personal. Baird and I could attempt to figure out what the spell might be, but it would be almost impossible for us to get to the right one, or know the right level of Gift to apply it with. It would take years to figure out.”

“Not to mention the toll it would take on Emmy to be subjected to the constant testing,” Duke Baird added, shaking his head, “I do not recommend going down this path at all.”

“What about taking it out?” Alanna asked, resting a hand on Emmy’s shoulder. Emmy focused on it, taking what reassurance she could get. 

Master Salmalín was shaking his head this time. “The concept is similar to trying to figure out the spell to awaken it. It requires the same level of complexity and testing.”

“So what? We’re just going to leave it in her?”

The two men exchanged a look. Duke Baird nodded grimly. “I’m afraid so, Alanna. I know it’s not what you want to hear. But given the risks of trying to take it out, and the fact that it doesn’t seem to be doing anything, it is simply not worth it.”

Emmy fidgeted. “It’s been giving me those dreams.”

Master Salmalín took a step forward, a new urgency in his eyes. “Yes, it has. This happened after your confrontation with Silversmith, correct? Did he have a chance to send his Gift into you? Say, did he land a blow?”

Emmy reached up to push some stray hair out of her forehead as she tried to recall the events of that day. So much had been happening — poison coursing through her body and making her dizzy and out of breath; her heart tight with worry about Alanna, Vania, and the Crown party, all trapped in the dining hall; and she herself was trying desperately to think of a way to make Silversmith break the spell — 

_She pressed the tip of her sword down, drawing blood. “Who are you talking to?”_

_He opened his eyes again, and they were filled with a wolfish glint. “You want me to break the spell, don’t you?” He mustered a grin._

_“Be careful of what you wish for.”_

_With a grunt, he grabbed Emmy’s sword with his bare hand. A burst of yellow flared on his bleeding hand and pulsed through her sword._

_Then, he pulled the sword down into his own throat with a fresh burst of strength. Blood burst from his neck as his mouth opened in a soundless scream._

Suddenly, that moment stood out to her. 

“Be careful of what you wish for,” she muttered.

“What did you say?”

Her head snapped up. “He said, ‘be careful of what you wish for’! He was on the ground, and my sword was at his throat. And he said, ‘You want me to break the spell, don’t you? Be careful of what you wish for’! And then —“ She shook her head, “— I didn’t realise it at that time, but he sent a flash of yellow Gift through my sword and into my hand. I didn’t — I didn’t feel anything.” How could she have forgetten? She hung her head, her cheeks warm with shame. “I’m sorry.”

Alanna squeezed her shoulder. “It’s not your fault. There was a lot going on, you were poisoned like the rest of us.”

“I should have realised this sooner,” she muttered stubbornly.

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, child,” Duke Baird said with a kind smile, “A spell like this is subtle. Even a Gifted person would need advanced training before they can figure this out. You don’t have the Gift, it is understandable that you didn’t notice it.”

“I agree. But now that we know the fragment is from Silversmith, it raises a few questions,” Master Salmalín said with a frown, “One, what was he trying to achieve? Who has the awakening spell? And the one I’m most interested in, where could he have learned this spell? This is another powerful but obscure spell that one doesn’t just learn in say, the universities here or in Carthak. In fact, I’d be surprised if something like this is even taught in any academic setting. Knowing how he learned this could help us piece together the puzzle we’ve been trying to put together for years — how did the rebels come about so many obscure and powerful spells?”

Emmy watched as the three mages pondered on the questions, all their faces clouded with the severity of the situation. And despite the fact that Alanna had forgiven her for keeping her dreams to herself, she felt increasingly guilty for not raising this sooner. She didn’t think that it could bring up such big questions, or that they might offer important clues to the rebels’ magecraft. What if she had been holding the Crown back by not talking about this sooner? 

“Tell us again about what you remember from those dreams.” Master Salmalín’s question snapped Emmy out of her thoughts.

She shook her head, “I’ve told you as much as I remember. It’s mostly of just me playing with the same boy through different ages. I can hear muffled sounds in the background, but never anything he says. The details always slip when I wake up, but it’s always about the same boy with blue eyes.”

“Blue, like Conté blue?” he said quietly. The others gasped. 

And yet, Emmy knew instantly that it was the right description. That was exactly why those eyes were so familiar! She had looked into a similar pair of eyes for years.

“What are you suggesting?” Duke Baird asked sharply.

“Magically-induced visions like those could be either of two things: either messages meant for someone, or memories. From Emmy’s descriptions, it doesn’t sound like there is a clear message. What if those are memories? Silversmith’s memories?” 

“And what, you think there really is a ‘true heir’ out there, walking around with Conté eyes? And he was best friends with Silversmith?” Alanna gestured towards the corridors, incredulous.

Master Salmalín held up placating hands. “I’m not saying that’s definitely what it is, but it seems like a plausible explanation. And I’m not even saying he might be related to the Contés — blue eyes are common enough. But with the right appearance, it could make a convincing lie for the rebels.”

“You’re right,” Emmy said quietly, and all eyes turned on her. “It is the same blue. Like… like Vania’s eyes.”

They were all quiet for another moment. 

“If those really are memories, what are they for?” Duke Baird finally asked, fingering his beard. “We can’t tell what the purpose of that fragment is, because it is not doing anything right now. But why the memories? Were they planted on purpose, or were they a side effect of the main spell, an unavoidable remnant of a person’s soul that cannot be separated from their Gift?”

They all turned to Master Salmalín, who sighed. “We may never know if the spell is never awakened. I need to do some digging, find the scroll I read this in. I don’t remember the details, but I don’t think something like this was mentioned.”

“Do it quietly,” Alanna said, her face grim. “I don’t want a word of this to get out of this room. The conservatives are already hard enough on Emmy, I don’t want them to use this knowledge to create more nasty rumours. Or worse,” Alanna glanced at her quickly, “disrupt her Ordeal.” 

Emmy stiffened. Would having this spell in her impact her Ordeal? 

Alanna continued, “I’ll tell Jon and George myself.”

“What about the possible lost Conté line angle?”

The black-robe mage visibly flinched when Alanna turned to scowl at him. She opened her mouth to retort, but Duke Baird beat her to it. 

“He has a point, Alanna. This rebellion has been brazen and long, and one claim they’ve stuck to is that there is a ‘true heir’ to the throne. Some houses would have tipped on this claim to legitimacy that none of us have found evidence on. What if there is even a hint of truth to it?” 

Alanna shook her head, sighing heavily. “Myles went down this path. He had the same thoughts as you. He thought that the rebellion should not have lasted so long if they didn’t have any proof that a ‘true heir’ exists. His people chased down multiple Conté family branches from King Jasson’s time. All descendants are accounted for, whether they were legitimate or born out of wedlock. He thinks the so-called ‘true heir’ is likely a pretender.”

“Roger never married,” Master Salmalín added carefully.

Alanna’s frown deepened at the mention of her dead enemy. “Myles investigated him too. But even back when he was alive, there were rumours —” Alanna snuck a look at Emmy, “that he liked men.”

Emmy barely bit back a gasp. She felt the room tilt and fade away. 

Roger of Conté liked men? How could it be that she had something so personal in common with _the_ Roger of Conté, the man who had committed treason and led to decades of ruin for Tirragen? She had already felt tainted by the dead man due to her uncle’s alliance with him, but to know that he was one of the same-sex loving people that she and Vania were trying to help left a very bad taste in her mouth. 

And yet what did she expect? That all honeyloves and bardashes must be loving and kind like all the ones she had met so far? People were people, whether they love the same or the opposite sex. That was the argument that Vania was trying to push for. Shouldn’t it stand to reason that there would be bad apples among the lot too? 

“Emmy,” Alanna said firmly, and Emmy snapped her head up. From the looks on their faces, it seemed like they had been talking to her. 

She felt her face grow hot again. “I’m sorry, did you say something?”

“Numair suggested that you start keeping a journal for your dreams,” the duke said kindly, “jot down whatever you can recall when you wake up. Having a record over time may help us see the pieces better.”

She nodded. “And it might shed light on some of the questions Master Salmalín mentioned earlier. I’ll do it.”

“Write in code if you can,” Alanna said quickly, “I’ll teach you what I know, and I can get George to teach you more. I meant it earlier, Emmy, people could use this against you. You have to be very careful with that journal.”

She swallowed. “Yes, my lady.”

She struggled to pay attention as the three adults worked out other details about research and scrolls to read through. Her head was heavy, and her heart felt like a wild thing pulsing against her chest with all that she had learned today. 

How was she supposed to live with herself, now that she knew she held a piece of Silversmith inside her? And what did it mean that Roger of Conté had liked men? Did it matter at all? Would the fragment inside her ever be awakened? Would she want that to happen and find out what it would do, or would she rather live with a piece of Silversmith’s Gift inside her for the rest of her life?


	3. Midwinter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to The_Big_Wee_Hag for beta-reading! All remaining mistakes are my own.

Vania let out a heavy sigh as she stretched out her arms. It had been a full day of running around the palace on an endless list of errands for the Own, and she had even needed to get a late dinner directly from the kitchens, after missing the service. Now it was barely two hours to the midnight bell, and she couldn’t wait to collapse onto her bed. It was one of the luxuries she had missed the most on the road — an actual bed. She was always eager to make full use of it whenever she was back in the palace. 

As she came down the hallway, she caught sight of a figure sitting in front of her door and frowned. Why would there be someone waiting there? 

The torches from the corridors cast the person in flickers of orange and shadow, and it took her a few moments to recognise who it was.

When she did, she gasped, and quickened her steps. “Emmy?” She said with a hint of urgency, crouching down in front of her. Emmy wasn’t supposed to be back from Tirragen so soon, and the fact that she was here could only mean that her meeting with her brother didn’t go well. 

Emmy was leaning back against her door and sitting with her legs crossed. Her eyes opened when Vania said her name, but the smile she offered was weary and sad. “Hey.”

Her heart went out to her. Wordlessly, she drew Emmy into a hug. Emmy hugged back fiercely. “I’m so sorry,” Vania said, the only thing she could manage.

Emmy shook her head against Vania’s shoulder. “I don’t want to talk about it right now. Can we just go to sleep?”

Vania swallowed, hating the defeat she heard in Emmy’s voice. Gently, she pulled back and helped her to her feet. “Of course.”

They made their way into her room, and she made sure to lock the door behind her. By the time she turned around, Emmy was already slumped, face down, on her bed. She hadn’t even stopped to take her boots off. 

Silently, Vania removed her boots for her, hearing a muffled thanks. Wanting to be close to Emmy as soon as possible, she forewent her usual night time rituals and hastily banked the coals in the fireplace. Then, she kicked off her boots and climbed onto her bed, gathering Emmy into her arms again. Emmy wiggled close, and Vania planted a gentle kiss on her temple. 

She felt a patch of dampness on her shoulder, though Emmy did not make a sound. She kissed her again. “Cry if you want to, love. I’m here.”

Emmy started with a sniffle, but it turned quickly into quiet sobs. Vania felt herself tear up. She hugged Emmy closer, rubbing her back gently. She hated that there was nothing else she could do. So she held her close, until long after the sobs had died down and after Emmy had fallen asleep. 

When dawn came, Vania shook Emmy’s shoulders reluctantly. She kissed her cheek as Emmy opened her eyes blearily. “Good morning, love. I have to go for training. You can stay here for as long as you like. I’ll bring dinner back here, and we can talk then.”

Emmy rubbed her puffy eyes. “It’s fine, I should go for training too.”

“Is Aunt Alanna really expecting you?” Vania asked, knowing that her godsmother cared a lot about Emmy, and would likely have given her a day off if Emmy was this upset. 

Emmy shook her head. “No, but I’d rather train than fret myself silly.”

Vania frowned. ‘Fretting’ was a strange word to use; something wasn’t quite right. 

Emmy tried to smile at her, and kissed her quickly on the lips. “We’ll talk tonight. Let’s get going before we’re both late.”

Vania let it go, though her worry festered at the back of her mind through her whole day. 

When dinner came, she was almost too impatient to wait in line, and would have skipped dinner if she hadn’t been responsible for Emmy’s dinner too. 

Still, when Emmy came into her room with a hug and a weary smile, she waited. She let Emmy eat, knowing that her topic of interest was ill suited for dinner conversation. They chatted about their day instead. 

When they finally set aside their empty plates, Vania was still not at all prepared for everything that Emmy told her. 

First, there was the gift from the spidrens.

“I can show you the spidren horn later if you want, it’s in my room.” Emmy said, a hint of amusement in her eyes as she watched Vania’s incredulous face.

“Of course I want to see it! Have you told anybody else? I don’t think anyone has heard of something like this before!” Vania shook her head in wonder at what her lover had achieved. Sometimes she wondered if Emmy herself realised all the history she was making, and that there would be mentions of her feats in the history books some day.

“Not yet. There’s something else.” Emmy’s face fell. “My lady and I went to see Duke Baird and Master Salmalín at the infirmary yesterday, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since.”

Vania froze, her cup of juice halfway to her mouth. “What? Why were you there?” She set down her cup, doing a quick visual check up and down Emmy to see if she had missed anything last night. “Did you get hurt?”

Emmy shook her head, distracting Vania her check. “I’m fine,” she said, though her tone was muted and she kept her gaze on her plate. ”It’s… something else. I should have listened to you.”

As Emmy recounted her meeting with Duke Baird and Numair, Vania sat stiffly, her alarm and worry growing by the moment.

Emmy shrugged when she was done. “And that’s all we can do. Record what I remember in a journal, and hope we can learn something from it.” 

Vania let out her breath slowly, still trying to figure out what it meant that a fragment of Silversmith’s Gift was inside Emmy, and that it might stay there for a long time to come, possibly even for the rest of her life. She was horrified. 

But if she was feeling this way, how much worse must Emmy be feeling right now? She had been shocked when she found Emmy slumped against her door last night, and to hear the defeat in her tone. Now she realised that there was so much more to it. 

She reached out to take her hands, squeezing them gently. 

“I know it’s important,” Emmy said softly, turning tearful eyes to Vania, “but part of me doesn’t want to remember those dreams anymore, knowing that they’re _his_.”

“Oh Emmy.” She couldn’t take it anymore — she got out of her chair and wrapped Emmy in a hug again. “I’m so sorry. This isn’t fair. You shouldn’t have to pay this price for saving all our lives. They shouldn’t have asked you to record the dreams.”

Emmy took a deep, shaky breath, holding on to Vania as if she was the only thing propping her up. “Thank you.”

Vania turned to kiss her lightly on the cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

They stayed like that for a few more moments, until Emmy started pulling back. She wiped her eyes quickly as Vania stayed close by. Emmy smiled at her closeness, and pulled her gently by her chin to plant a kiss on her lips. 

“I’m fine.”

Vania cupped her cheek tenderly. “Are you, really? You don’t have to be. Especially when it’s just us.”

Emmy took her hand and kissed her palm. “I know.” She took a deep breath. “But my lady has tried everything she can, and Duke Baird and Master Salmalín are the best in the realm. If they say it’s not doing anything to me, and nothing else can be done, I’ll just have to learn to live with it.”

“What about the journal?” Vania asked, biting back an offer to reject the request on Emmy’s behalf. In fact, she’d have some choice words to the three mages for asking Emmy to do something like this, even if one of them was Alanna. But she knew Emmy wouldn’t like it. She had always hated the idea of Vania using her status to help her.

Emmy’s face darkened a little. “I do understand why it’s important. And it’s not just my duty, I want this rebellion to be rooted out for good, too. It’s been _years_. If this can help with that effort, I’d do it.”

Vania let out a long sigh. Rationally, she understood and agreed with the reason to record observations from the dreams. Emotionally, she hated that Emmy was somehow once again paying an absurd price for doing the right thing. Why was life so unfair to her? 

Emmy kissed her on the nose, making her look up. “I’m going to be fine, love. This doesn’t hurt.”

Vania smiled sadly. “Just because it doesn’t leave wounds doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I know you won’t enjoy it. Just remember that I’m always here for you, all right? Even if we’re on the road, I’ll always be thinking about you. If you need anything from me, you just have to ask.”

Emmy smiled. “I know.” 

*

Both of Alanna’s sons were in the city this winter, and it was the main reason why Alanna had decided to settle down in the palace for Midwinter. Myles and Eleni had been ecstatic, and Eleni in particular had cooked many of Alanna’s favourite foods to keep her grumbling about the cold to the minimum. Emmy always got invited to these dinners despite them being family affairs, and her heart was filled with warmth and gratitude every time. Eleni had even started calling a guest room in Myles’ townhouse hers, as she and Alanna often stayed overnight, especially after a particularly heavy meal. 

Emmy got to talk to Thom, Alanna’s oldest son, often. He was on winter break from university and was home much more frequently than his brother. Alan, due to his role as squire to the Knight Commander of the King’s Own, had many administrative and logistical duties at the palace, and came around less frequently. To her embarrassment, Thom seemed to have read every single one of her field reports about her stint with the spidrens, and peppered her often with questions. He reminded her of Neal, both scholarly and practical, and she was not surprised to learn that he was one of the top mages of his class. 

Emmy wasn’t sure what she had expected spending Midwinter with her knight mistress to be like, this being her first year to do so, but she found that she was really enjoying herself. The constant company of Alanna’s family and Vania was almost enough to banish the thoughts of Silversmith’s dreams from her mind. 

Still, there were moments that she was not completely comfortable with, like when Alanna insisted on buying her new clothes and gear. 

“But you’ve already spent a fortune on my sword!” Emmy protested when she learned that Alanna wanted to drag her shopping. The sword that Alanna had given her to replace the one destroyed at the battle at Genlith a few months ago was made of the finest Yamani blue steel, and even Vania had said that she would not have been able to afford it on her own. 

“You’ve more than earned that,” Alanna said firmly. “Besides, I have to attend some balls now that I’m in court for them, and I expect you to be by my side on nights when you’re not on serving duty. The squire to the King’s Champion can’t look too shabby now, can she?”

That shut Emmy up. It was true that she did not have fine clothes. She had hardly attended previous Midwinter balls other than serving at them. But this would be the first time she was attending them by Alanna’s side. She had no idea what to wear. So she let Alanna take the lead, and let her buy her new tunics, boots, and cloaks. 

They were at the tailors’ shop, waiting for their new clothes to be wrapped, when Alanna brought up another thing that made Emmy a little uncomfortable.

“By the way, Thayet usually hosts a small gathering in her room on the first morning of Midwinter. You should join us.” 

“Of course, my lady.”

“I don’t mean as my squire,” Alanna said, “it’s an informal family gathering. You won’t be on duty there. I’m just asking you to join us if you want.”

Emmy blinked at her in surprise. Informal family gathering? 

Alanna quirked an eyebrow at her in question.

“I…” Emmy opened and closed her mouth a couple of times, “I’m not sure if I should. I don’t want to intrude if it’s a family gathering.”

Alanna’s eyebrows came back down and dipped into a frown. She took a few steps forward, and placed both hands on Emmy’s shoulders. 

“You _are_ family, Emmy. I hope you know that by now,” she said firmly. “And Vania loves you. One day, Thayet and Jon and all their kids will be your family too. I know Thayet would love to have you there.”

Emmy looked away and blinked hard to push back the pressure in her eyes, nodding as her heart swelled. She had known that Alanna cared for her, but to be invited so explicitly as family, and to know that Vania’s family would one day be hers felt strange. She had somehow never thought about that before.

Alanna handed her a handkerchief silently, and turned back to lean against the counter to give her time to collect herself.

She cleared her throat. “I’d love to be there, my lady.”

*

On the first morning of Midwinter, Emmy’s steps slowed as they neared the big double doors that lead to the royal family room. The two guards glanced their way for a moment, but made no move. They were still several feet away.

Vania glanced sideways at her, and paused as well. She watched Emmy take a deep breath, and reached out to take her hand. She smiled encouragingly.

Emmy smiled tightly back, and took a look at the doors again. It was a room that she had never stepped into, and certainly not in such a personal capacity. She was even wearing some of the new clothes Alanna got her today, and not her usual uniform of Pirate Swoop’s colors. It made her nervous to think that behind those doors are some of the most important and powerful people in the realm, people whom Vania called family. The only other time she had met all of them in one place was during Roald and Shinko’s wedding years ago, but that had been a bigger gathering in a dining hall. This was more private and intimate. 

She didn’t fully understand her own nerves — she knew all these people; she had worked with some of them, trained alongside some of them, and fought side by side with some of them. And yet she still felt like it was wrong for her to be here somehow. 

Vania gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “It’s going to be fine. Mother told me she’s looking forward to seeing you.”

Emmy let out another breath, and nodded. As they walked forward, the guards bowed, and opened the door for them without prompting. 

The sounds of relaxed chatter came through immediately, so did the smells of food and a wave of warmth. Emmy stepped through, and looked around quickly to take in the surprisingly large room. There was a large fireplace towards the right, and on the opposite side of the room a smaller, less intrusive fireplace glowed, filling the whole room with warmth. There were multiple couches and chairs near both hearths, and the middle of the room was filled with several tables filled with food, and more chairs. 

There were a lot of people for a private family gathering. Most of Vania’s family were here, as were Alanna and her family, Kel, Neal, Yuki, Master Salmalín and Daine, Buri and Raoul, and another man whom Emmy did not recognise. All of them were spread out over the various sitting areas with drinks or plates of food. The only empty space on the floor near the big fireplace was occupied by at least four toddlers that Emmy could see. 

“Mother, look who I brought?” Vania said next to her suddenly. Emmy stopped her gaping at the room and the people, and turned to see Vania beaming at the king and queen, who were smiling as they made their way over. 

Emmy hastened into a deep bow. “Your majesties. Thank you for having me.”

Thayet chuckled. “Oh Emmy. Come here.” She opened her arms and hugged her warmly. Emmy felt herself relaxing a little as she hugged her back. Thayet smiled warmly at her when she pulled back. “I’m glad you finally made it.”

“Indeed,” the king said, raising his goblet at her in an informal toast, “it’s good to see you again, Emmy. Alanna told me about the spidrens’ sudden openness to a treaty — something we haven’t been able to achieve in over a decade. I’m told I have you to thank. Your killing of Silversmith had put us in a very favourable position with the spidrens.”

Emmy felt her cheeks flush even as Vania beamed proudly next to her. “It’s not just me, your majesty. Skora is starting to trust the Crown more and more, and that trust was built up over years of work by many people.”

“It’s a trust that was tested last winter, and which you’ve helped us rebuild,” the king said, though he looked pleased, “I’m glad you get to enjoy Midwinter properly this year. Be sure to make up for it!”

“I’ll make sure she does, father,” Vania said, taking Emmy’s hand again. 

Thayet eyed their joined hands with a knowing smile, and ushered Emmy towards the tables of food. “Come, start with the food. Just enjoy yourself, Emmy,” she gave her shoulder a small squeeze, and continued with a softer voice, as if she wanted only Emmy to hear, “Don’t worry about anything. We’re all family here.”

Feeling a sudden lump in her throat, she nodded and watched as the queen left with a smile. 

Vania placed a hand on the small of her back as she stood next to her, for all intents and purposes looking as if she was surveying the trays of food. “That wasn’t so bad, wasn’t it?”

She swallowed, and smiled weakly at her lover. “No. It was good. It was really good.”

Vania’s eyes were soft and knowing. She rubbed her back gently. “Good,” she echoed, and unexpectedly, leaned forward to kiss Emmy quickly on the cheek. 

Emmy panicked for a moment before realising that it _was_ fine in this room. They were surrounded by family, and for once, they could be open about their love for each other. Most of the people here would already know about their relationship. It felt like a weight was lifted off her heart, and she was breathing freely for the first time in a long time. 

“So when were you planning to introduce your _lover_ to us, Vania?” A playful voice asked to their left, and Emmy almost jumped. 

“Oh, you’ve met Emmy.” Vania rolled her eyes at Jasson, though there was a hint of blush to her cheeks.

Jasson had his eyebrows raised as he chewed on his pastry slowly. He took his time, and swallowed. “You introduced her years ago as a friend. You never told me you started courting each other.”

Vania was definitely blushing now. 

Jasson grinned, clearly enjoying himself. “You have to tell your brother these things, little sister. I have duties to uphold and threats to dish out.”

“You don’t have to threaten her —”

Emmy stopped her with a hand on her arm. She looked at Jasson, who, for all he appeared playful, seemed to be assessing Emmy. 

“Vania is the most important person in my life,” she said, the words coming easily, “I’ll always protect her and take care of her. Not that she really needs it,” she smiled quickly at Vania, who was looking back at her in surprise and a bit of awe, “But I’ll try my best anyway.”

Jasson held her gaze for a moment, his eyes completely serious. He nodded, and broke into a smile, the playfulness coming back to his eyes. “Good. If you go back on your words, know that I can turn people into frogs.”

Vania shoved him lightly. “For the last time, you can’t turn people into frogs!”

He put a hand over his heart in mock hurt. “How could you think so little of me?”

“You keep saying that, but you never prove it.” Vania said, and added as she saw Liam and Fianola coming their way, arms linked, “Why don’t you try it on Liam? I’ll believe you if you turn him into a frog.”

“Excuse me?” Liam said with a frown as they got near enough while Fianola just chuckled. “Did you just offer me up for sacrifice?”

Vania winked. “More like an experiment.”

Fianola shook her head, and reached out to greet Emmy with a hug. “It’s good to see you here, Emmy. I was worried that I’d be the only one coming here for the first time!”

Emmy grinned, tuning out the antics of the royal siblings. “Me too! I’m so glad you’re here. Vania kept telling me to treat this like a normal gathering, but how could I?”

Fianola nodded. “Even if I see everyone here more often because of Roald, I’ve never been to a private party like this before. And certainly...” She ducked her head a little, suddenly bashful, “… certainly not as Liam’s personal guest.”

Emmy’s grin widened, and she squeezed Fianola’s hands excitedly. It was great to see her friend so happy, when only months ago there had seemed to be no hope for her love to amount to anything with a political marriage in the way for Liam.

“I’m really glad for you, you seem happy,” she said, lowering her voice, “are things going well with you two?”

Fianola nodded, smiling. “He treats me well, and he’s been taking more assignments near the city so we could spend more time together.” She sobered a little, “His majesty didn’t seem entirely pleased, but the queen has been encouraging. Neither of us know what the plan for the treaty with Tyra is. The Tyran king doesn’t have any unmarried princesses left, and any other noblewoman would not make a good match in terms of rank.”

Emmy squeezed her hands again, her own heart feeling heavier. It felt so crass to speak of marriages this way, as terms of a treaty, without any considerations of the people involved. Having grown up away from court and with no good prospects of her own, it was a foreign concept to her, though she knew that this was how things were commonly done. She was so, so lucky that Vania did not already have an arranged marriage, that even if the two of them could not yet legally marry, at least she didn’t have to worry about losing Vania that way. 

Fianola let out a breath, shaking her head lightly. “No matter. We don’t expect to hear anything for a few more months still, the dust is still settling in the Tyran court. We’re taking things one step at a time for now.”

“I hope things work out for you.” Emmy said. Fianola was one of the kindest people she knew. She deserved happiness.

Fianola smiled. “And I hope the same for you. Vania told me about your plans — the two of you could change the entire realm!”

Emmy took a deep breath. “Don’t remind me of that.”

A familiar hand looped around her shoulders, and Vania leaned close. “Remind you of what?”

They chatted a little more before Vania led Emmy away to see the group of children crawling around the floor near one side of the room. They were surrounded by a familiar group of watchful adults who were either sitting on the floor or on the chairs pulled up around the play area: Roald, Shinko, Neal, Yuki, Kel, Daine, Numair, and one man whom Emmy did not recognise. 

Vania greeted the group cheerfully while Emmy waved and smiled as the group greeted them. Two-year-old Lianny recognised Vania and raised her tiny arms for a hug, and Vania was only too happy to oblige. 

Curiously, another toddler around the same age as Lianny was sitting on the lap of the man Emmy did not know. The man held up the girl by her hands, and was in the middle of making ridiculous faces at her. Kel, who was sitting next to the man, was grinning fondly at them. 

She caught Emmy’s curious eyes, and waved her closer. “Emmy, have you met Dom before?” Emmy shook her head as she made her way over next to them. “This is Domitan of Masbolle, Captain of the Second Company in the Own.”

“I thought Meathead said there are no titles in this room?” Dom said with a smile, stopping Emmy mid-bow. That nickname for Neal reminded Emmy — this must be the cousin of Neal’s that Vania told her about. “It’s good to finally meet you, Emmy. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Emmy felt her cheeks warm, and she struggled to come up with a reply. 

“All good things, I promise,” Dom said with a wink.

“Good to know,” Emmy muttered. “Nice to meet you.”

“Have you met this little lady?” Dom said, changing the subject easily as he held up the little girl, probably slightly younger than Lianny, up for Emmy. “This is Ichika of Queenscove.”

Surprised, Emmy took her and held her up awkwardly as the toddler’s green eyes studied her intensely. Emmy didn’t remember the last time she had held a child as young as this. How was she supposed to hold them?

“Hold her like this.” Vania said gently. Emmy turned around to see her holding Lianny comfortably, and tried to mimic her. 

“You haven’t done that much, have you?” Princess Shinkokami smiled from her spot on the floor where she was watching Sarralyn and Rikash. 

Emmy shook her head bashfully, watching as Lianny and Ichika reached out to each other with their chubby little hands. “I’m the youngest, and there weren’t many children around.”

“You’re like Vania then.” Princess Shinkokami commented, reaching out a hand in precaution as Rikash stumbled a little, “Look how comfortable she is now. You should visit us more often. Lianny and Ichika are playmates, you’ll both get your practice.”

“And you can relax a little,” Yuki added, amusement in her eyes, “you’ll both be more comfortable.”

Emmy nodded meekly, and tried to relax. It worked, the toddler relaxed more into her arms, and it felt nice. Still, she’d like to get the attention off herself. “Ichika is a beautiful name. What does it mean?”

Dom snickered. “It means ‘a thousand flowers’. Only Meathead can come up with a name like that.”

Yuki lightly slapped Dom’s knee, the closest part of him that she could reach from her seat on the floor. “I like that name too.”

“See?” Neal lifted his chin at his cousin, vindicated. “It’s poetic.”

“And if anyone underestimates her because of her name alone, they will be in for a surprise.” Yuki said calmly. Knowing how well Yuki fought with a glaive, Emmy agreed wholeheartedly. She had no doubt that her daughter would grow up to be formidable.

Kel chuckled. “Just bow out gracefully, Dom.”

Dom nodded with a mock sombre face, and straightened up so he could bow at the toddler in Emmy’s arms. “I apologise for making fun of your name, Lady Ichika, and I promise I will never underestimate you.”

The adults chuckled. 

Emmy and Vania played with the children for a while, and Emmy found herself relaxing more and more as the day went on. When the children had to leave for their naps, Emmy and Vania got more food, and chatted with others instead. Before she realised it, the room had started thinning out as the guests retreated to their rooms to prepare for the ball that evening. 

She followed Vania’s lead, and blinked at the corridors as they exited the room. Vania pulled her into her room first, and took both her hands in her own. 

“How are you feeling?” 

Emmy smiled. How could she describe this warm, fuzzy feeling in her heart? How could she describe that she had felt more relaxed and at home just now than her entire visit back to Tirragen? 

“It wasn’t too much, was it?” Vania asked in the silence, worry starting to creep into her features.

Emmy shook her head quickly and grinned. “Not at all. It was good. It was… it was really good. I’m happy, love. Thank you for having me.”

Vania smiled, tilting her head a little to the side. “Aunt Alanna invited you, actually.”

Emmy chuckled. She leaned up a little to capture her lips in a kiss. As she pulled away, she slipped her arms around Vania’s waist and held her close, resting her head on her shoulder. “I’m thankful that your family has welcomed me so warmly. You’re a big part of that.”

Vania kissed her temple, hugging her back, “They’re your family too, in all but name. You’ve earned them, by being yourself, by doing all the stupidly heroic things you do.”

Emmy huffed a little in protest. 

Vania ignored her. “And in a few more years, once I’ve reestablished the Order of the Crescent Moon, I will marry you. It will be ‘official’ then, but it doesn’t mean that it isn’t real now. My family is yours too.”

Emmy nodded, letting Vania’s words lift her spirits. They had so much to look forward to in the coming years. What would it be like, building the rest of their lives together?

“I love you.” Vania said, kissing her again.

Emmy hugged her closer, her heart tight with emotions and her mind busy painting a future so beautiful that she was almost afraid to look at it directly. 

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this is a good breather after the last two chapters. It wasn't until I reread them the first time that I realised how heavy this book 3 had started with lol.


	4. Old friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to the amazing The_Big_Wee_Hag for beta-reading the chapter! Any remaining mistakes are my own.

“Emmy!” 

Emmy turned around, and smiled as she saw Miri walking up to her, a bag slung over one shoulder. “Miri, it’s good to see you again!”

Miri grinned. “Same. I’m told we have you to thank for the treaty with the spidrens.”

Emmy blushed, looking down at her feet. “I wasn’t even in the negotiations.”

The negotiations with the spidrens had started as soon as the winter had started letting up. They had gone surprisingly quickly. Sure, the initial terms had been exchanged before Midwinter and both parties had come prepared, but no one had expected to reach an agreement within a week. In the past, weeks and even months of negotiations had been the norm. 

In one of the council meetings she attended with Alanna after the treaty was signed, Myles had mentioned that Emmy’s field reports about life among the spidrens had given them insight into how the spidrens might think, and that they had helped speed things along. Alanna got a glint in her eyes, and exchanged a glance with Lord Raoul. The next thing Emmy knew, Lord Raoul was making a case that Emmy should be rewarded justly. Her winning Skora’s trust was the reason why they were even talking about a treaty at all, and that her field reports helped with negotiations was a bonus. A treaty meant that the Crown would spend fewer resources trying to defend against them, sparing both coin and lives. The planned research and trade in spidren nets were also expected to lead to more wealth for both parties, potentially seeding more areas of collaboration between humans and spidrens.

Emmy had stood behind Alanna’s chair, looking determinedly at the floor while her cheeks burned with embarrassment at the high praise. She had known that a treaty would be important for peace among the two parties and that lives would be spared, but she hadn’t thought about the many other things that the council discussed. 

In the end, King Jonathan had agreed, and removed one more year off her sentence as her reward. So now, she was left with four years of service to the Crown without pay. She had been stunned. 

“Weren’t you there with Alanna?” Miri asked.

“As her squire. I stood behind her chair and fetched things.”

Alanna snorted from behind her. “Don’t let me hear you say that about yourself again.” 

Emmy turned to see her knight mistress coming up to them. 

“Didn’t Raoul make the case well enough for you?” Alanna said, her posture relaxed but her eyes stern, “Jon agreed, enough to take one more year off your sentence. Do you think they’re wrong?”

Emmy shook her head quickly. “No, my lady! I just… it just feels too strange to take credit for it. Plenty of people did a lot of work in preparations for the negotiations. I met with quite a number of them.”

“Exactly. They sought your counsel. You helped. Things wouldn’t have gone as smoothly if you hadn’t helped, or if you hadn’t laid the foundation of trust with the spidrens.” Alanna shook her head, “Think back to what we talked about before Midwinter. Try to see yourself through someone else’s eyes.”

Emmy blinked at her, recalling that conversation. _Why can’t you look at yourself through the same eyes, and be kinder to yourself?_

Miri tried and failed to hide a smile. “Well, I agree with the king. Congratulations on having another year taken off, Emmy.” Her grin widened, “You know, this is the first time a year got removed without you almost dying. You should try repeating that.”

Alanna smirked. “Too late. I’d already made that joke.”

Miri pretended to curse. “I’ll have to think of another one once we get on the road then. Are you both ready?”

Emmy nodded at Alanna, indicating that she had finished packing for the two of them. Alanna nodded back at Miri, and then they were off, leaving to get their horses.

Among the first fruits of the treaty were a set of leads to bandit hideouts, some of which were occupied by groups that had eluded the local authorities for years. To deal with them, multiple groups of Riders were deployed immediately, with Alanna and Emmy joining Sea Gale on their hunt.

It was exciting, and riding with Sea Gale would be fun, surrounded by so many familiar faces. Emmy wished Vania could have a straightforward assignment like this. 

They had both been caught by surprise a few weeks ago. A fast courier from Tyra had arrived bearing orders from the Tyran king, who had finally decided on Cateline’s fate. Despite being his own flesh and blood, he had decided to cast her into exile, and forbade her from ever entering Tyra again. All of her possessions and servants were to be returned to Tyra, while she herself was to be banished from the palace with nothing but the clothes on her back at the Tyran king’s request. Neither Emmy nor Vania got to bid her farewell, let alone hand her coin or things to get her started on her new life as a commoner. 

Third Company was tasked with escorting the few wagons of possessions and ten servants back to Tyra along with their ambassador, Sir Francis of Eudes. These were the same people that they had escorted into Tortall and welcomed as guests almost two years ago, and now they were sending them back as prisoners. It would be a sobering and grim assignment, and it was weeks of traveling to the border. 

In contrast, Emmy was here, in the palace stable, listening to cheerful banter among the Riders as they got ready to ride out on a bandit hunt. She hoped her letter about her most recent reward from the king would cheer Vania up, at least. The company had left right before the council meeting.

As Miri gave the order to move out, Emmy was startled to realise that another knight and squire pair was joining the group. How had she not noticed them earlier? 

As the party got on the road, Liam rode up next to Alanna and Miri, with Gerald close behind. He nodded at the two women. “Aunt Alanna, Miri. Glad to be hunting with you.”

“Finally tired of Corus?” Alanna said with a smirk. She, like Emmy, knew very well that Liam had stayed close to the palace in recent months not just because of winter, but because of his growing courtship with Fianola. 

If Emmy squinted, she could almost see a tinge of pink of Liam’s cheeks. He kept a straight face though. “I decided it’s time to stretch my legs a little. It would be good for my squire to get more experience on the road as well.”

“Of course,” Alanna replied, equally straight-faced, “putting your squire’s education first. Very noble.” She turned to Miri, and they both cackled.

Liam sighed. “It’s going to be like this the whole ride, isn’t it?”

Alanna snorted. “As your godsmother, I reserve the right to tease you whenever I want. Don’t expect me to stop just because of the company.”

“Oh I don’t, I just realised that it’s going to be even worse than I thought _because_ of the company.” Liam said, “I rode with the Queen’s Rabbits for a few months a while back. I know what Riders are like, but I didn’t stop to think what they might be like with _you_ in the mix, Aunt Alanna.”

Alanna chuckled. “Do you regret joining us now?”

“Maybe.”

“This is going to be a fun ride, don’t you think?” Gerald rode up next to her as Alanna continued her teasing of Liam in front of them. 

She had caught up with Gerald a few times over Midwinter along with her other year-mates, and it felt like their friendship was slowly warming up again, and that they were getting over the awkwardness of Gerald’s feelings for her during their page years. It had helped that Gerald was courting a Rider, and they both knew that incident was behind them. She was glad. It would be good to work with him on the road.

Emmy smiled at him. “Definitely.” 

*

The sun was shining, the warmth on Vania’s face much welcome after months of cold. But even the warm weather and the fresh flowers by the side of the road did nothing to lift the grim mood in the company. She turned back once, surveying the rows of Tyran servants in chains and the wagons of Cateline’s former possessions that Third Company had been tasked to escort back to the border. She spotted Adith, tied at the end of the line, trudging forward with slumped shoulders.

Vania’s hands tightened on her reins, gritting her teeth as she felt the frustration at her helplessness rise again. She had let Cateline down. 

It had all happened so fast. Cateline was already gone from the palace by the time Vania heard the news. Adith had been sent to the dungeons along with the other servants who had followed Cateline to Tortall. They spent two weeks there before Third Company was formally assigned to escort them back to Tyra, where they were to be further sentenced. 

Vania couldn’t do anything, princess or not. She had tried asking Roald if she could buy Adith from Tyra, and Roald had explained that the situation was too delicate for them to risk making the request. Even though the Tyran king had stopped the coup, his political position was still shaken, and getting back Cateline’s possessions and the servants — who were basically seen as property of the disgraced house — was part of his consolidation of power. Having Tortall offer to buy a servant from them, especially the one known to be the closest to Cateline, would be seen as a sign of disrespect for the Tyran king, at a time that would bother him the most. It would have risked damaging the relations that Cateline’s cancelled engagement to Prince Liam had been intended to strengthen.

Vania understood the importance of good ties with neighbouring kingdoms. The Scanran War was still fresh in all their minds, and she understood the price that her own family had paid for such ties — Kalasin and Roald had devoted their lives to them, and Liam still might. 

Cateline had made the same choice to serve her kingdom too. She just had terrible, terrible luck. 

Vania had been fuming inside since that conversation with Roald, and for the five days that they had been on the road. The sheer injustice of it all infuriated her. None of the servants had done anything to deserve a life of hard labour. They were not born into royal duty. Their only crime was being associated with a disgraced house that had committed treason long after they had left the kingdom themselves. They were caught up in plots far bigger than themselves. 

A few feet in front of her, Kel raised her hand to signal the company to a stop. “We’ll make camp here for tonight!” 

As Lerant and the other sergeants turned back on their horses to organise the camp set up, Vania saw the ambassador, Sir Francis of Eudes, riding towards Kel, and stopped to watch.

“Captain, is this wise? We are making terrible time, and there is still a lot of sunlight left!” 

Kel’s face was smooth, though Vania could tell from the way she gripped the reins that her knight mistress was in a bad mood. “We are already covering as much ground as possible with all the servants on foot. They will fall ill if we push them too hard.”

“We just need to get them back to Tyra as fast as possible, I don’t care if they get a little ill! They’re all destined for the mines anyway!”

Kel leaned forward in her saddle, her eyes narrowed slightly. “I care. These are people, and I will treat them as such. We have agreed to escort them to the border for Tyra out of goodwill. I’m not risking any lives just so we can get there a few days earlier. If you have any grievances, you can take them up with his majesty.”

Francis scowled, but turned her horse back without another word. 

“Thank you, Kel,” Vania huffed out as she got close enough, scowling at the back of the ambassador. “If you hadn’t done that, I might have. Who does he think he is?”

Kel let out a slow breath before turning to her. “Would you really?”

“I…” Vania caught the look in Kel’s eyes, and closed her mouth, suddenly less sure of herself. 

“I know you’ll figure this out if you take a moment to think through it. Even if you are a princess, on this assignment, you are my squire. Rebuking the ambassador out of turn reflects badly both on me as your knight mistress, and on your family.”

Vania nodded. “I know.”

Kel turned a little, and reached out to clap her on the shoulder. “I know you’re upset. You’re getting worse at hiding it in the last few days. Have you meditated recently?”

Vania shook her head. 

Kel wasn’t surprised at all. “Try it. Or take a patrol shift tonight to clear your head. We still have more than a week left in the journey, you need to keep your head.”

“Yes, my lady.”

“Good.”

She had too much pent up frustration to sit still, so she found herself alongside Patrine that night, walking the perimeter around their camp. She had asked Neal about letting his squire patrol with her on a whim, knowing that Patrine was someone whom she could talk to freely, and the younger squire was only too happy to oblige. She knew Patrine shared her anger at the treatment of those servants, as they had shared a few hushed words about them in the past few days.

Once the campground was out of earshot, she stretched her arms upwards, letting out a groan in relief as she felt the tension fade. 

Patrine raised an eyebrow at her. 

“Kel was right. A walk under the open sky is just what I need.”

Patrine chuckled. “You and me both. I didn’t think Neal would let me off so easily. He and Kel must have exchanged notes about us.”

“How is your wild magic training coming along?” Vania asked, knowing that that was what Patrine would have been practicing had she not been on patrol. While Neal did not have wild magic himself, he had been in constant correspondence with Daine about Patrine’s wild magic education. Patrine didn’t actually have that much wild magic, but Neal fussed about it as if she had, and it sometimes drove Patrine mad. 

As if on cue, Patrine made a face. “The same. I don’t understand why he insists I practice with other animals! I’m happy to work with just horses. I just don’t have the same connection with animals that are not horses, and I don’t see how it’s going to change by meditating more!”

Vania patted her shoulder in sympathy, though she had become rather familiar with this refrain. She was no expert in wild magic, but she could see why Neal would want to develop Patrine’s strengths to their fullest. Who was she to judge whether he was pushing too far? Meditation had helped her connect with her own Gift in a different way than before, but it wasn’t like she enjoyed those sessions for their own sake.

“Well,” she gathered her thoughts, trying to be more responsible, “I didn’t think meditation would help with my Gift either, but —“

A small rock rolled into a stop a few feet in front of them. 

Both their free hands went to their sword hilts immediately, their eyes scanning the patch of bushes where the rock had come from. It was covered in shadows from a few sturdy trees close to them, and it was hard to see anything. 

“I don’t see anything.” Patrine muttered quietly. 

“Let’s make sure it’s nothing. Watch my back.” Vania replied, keeping her voice low as well. She pointed her lantern as far ahead as she could, and moved slowly towards the bushes.

The light from the lantern landed on the bushes directly at last, and something blinked back at her. 

She froze.

“Vania! I’ve been waiting to catch you for _days_!” The startling familiarity of that voice kept Vania still as a person slowly rose to her feet and pulled her hood back.

The former Princess Cateline of Tyra looked back at her, a relieved smile on her tired face. 

“Cateline! What are you doing here?” Vania said, looking around suddenly as if she had something to hide. She pulled her hand away from her sword hilt, walking closer to the other girl. 

Cateline’s hair was wild, barely tamed by a messy braid. Her dress had seen better days. From the dirt and loose leaves stuck to them, Vania wagered that she had been sleeping out in the open for a while. 

“Your highness?” Patrine said in shock, walking closer and lifting her own lantern for a better look. 

“None of that now, please,” Cateline said with a grimace, “I’ve never cared for those niceties, and now they mean less than nothing to me.”

“Sorry.”

“What are you doing here?” Vania asked again, her mind filling with dread as she thought about what seeing the exiled princess here might mean. Cateline could have gone anywhere she wanted, but she seemed to have followed the company from Corus, and had been successfully evading the scouts and patrols.

“Please, you have to help me free Adith.” Cateline freed herself fully from the bushes, limping a little. 

Vania rushed forward to catch her before she could fall, frowning at the blood stains near her boots. The pair of soft boots meant for court had not fared well in the wild. 

“Are you hurt? Let me see.”

“No, please, I know we don’t have much time,” Cateline said, squeezing Vania’s arm to get her to look up, “I just twisted my ankle a little after I fell, that’s all. What’s important is Adith. Please, you have to help me save her!”

Cateline’s eyes were filled with desperation, and Vania felt her heart twist. She exchanged a look with Patrine. 

“Cateline,” she said gently, “I tried. I tried to buy her freedom, but this is much bigger than me now. We are supposed to escort everyone back to Tyra, otherwise we risk damaging the ties between the two kingdoms. It’s… it’s bigger than the both of us. You know this.”

“I do, and I know that they care naught for the lives of servants! A long journey like this, it’s common enough to lose a few people to sickness, it wouldn’t matter to them! Please, we can work out something. Just leave Adith behind, ask her to pretend to be ill, or something. Just give me one moment to grab her. I’ll take the blame if anything goes wrong, I swear I won’t implicate either of you. I just need one chance!”

“If you get caught, you’ll likely be strung in chains alongside them, and be brought back as a prisoner. Do you really want that?” Patrine asked with a frown. “You could just start over, live a new life. We can help you find work —“

“I don’t want a life without Adith!” Tears were running down her cheeks now, “She is everything to me. My love, the light of my life… I don’t want a life without her. I’ll fight for a life of freedom with her, but if I can’t have that, I’ll take a life of hard labor alongside her.”

Vania felt pressure building in her own eyes. She had suspected that there was more to the friendship between mistress and servant. But to have it finally confirmed, and knowing the fate facing the both of them, it made her heart ache fiercely. 

What if it had been Emmy and her? Would she have risked capture and a life of hard labor just to be with Emmy? 

Vania took a deep breath. “Fine. I’ll help you.”

“Vania!” Patrine gripped her arm in alarm.

“We need to come up with a plan. I need time to think. You need to leave now, we have to continue our patrol. Try to find us again tomorrow night —“

“Vania, _are you sure?_ ” Patrine leaned forward, catching her eyes.

“I am.” Vania held Patrine’s gaze for a moment, until the younger squire loosened her grip. She turned back to Cateline. “Go. We’ll talk again tomorrow night.”

Cateline threw her arms around Vania, hugging her tightly. “Thank you! Thank you!”

Vania patted her back twice, and pulled back. “Go!”

The moment Cateline slid into the shadows, Vania turned and dragged Patrine forward into a trot. “Come on, we need to make up for lost time.”

“What was that?” Patrine whispered as she kept up, “Did you mean it? What about Kel?”

“I was serious. I need to… I need to come up with a plan. Kel… she can’t be involved in this. It’s too big.”

“Exactly! I know you care about the servants, I know what they face isn’t fair. But you said it yourself, this is bigger than the both of us, our duties are to Tortall, not Cateline.”

“I know!” Vania slowed to a walk, seeing her surroundings and thinking that they had covered enough lost ground. “I know that. But Cateline is right, Tyra wouldn’t care if they lost one or two people if they got sick along the way, you saw how Eudes treated the servants. Kel is the only one stopping him from driving them to the ground!”

“Kel won’t leave someone behind to die.”

She nodded absently, her mind already thinking through ideas. “She won’t. We’ll have to think of something.”

“Well, whatever ideas you have, do you really want to taint Kel’s record, or her conscience?”

Vania caught Patrine’s hard eyes. Her mind, which had been furiously churning through ideas about how to make this work, ground to a halt. Would this somehow hurt Kel? 

“I don’t know!” She finally said, trudging forward. “I just know I have to do something.”

“Why? Why are you so set on this? I hate how unfair things are too, I’ve been just as frustrated as you are. But you’re the one always telling me to look at the big picture. The bigger picture is clear, our duty to Tortall is bigger than our friendship with Cateline!”

Vania whipped around to face her. “Do you know they used to flog same-sex lovers in Tyra? In public? They don’t do that now, but when they find bardeshes and honeyloves, they send them to the mines, hoping that hard work would train them out of their — their nature. Now that I know Cateline and Adith are lovers, I can’t —“ She sighed, brushing stray hairs back away from her face. She had to take a few deep breaths to calm herself down.

Patrine stared at her, her features softening a little.

“Look, you saw the state she was in. She’s been following us on foot since Corus, she’s been sleeping out in the open and she has _nothing_ with her. She’s not going to give up. I know if we don’t help her, she’ll just take a risk on her own anyway, and she’s most likely going to get caught. And it will be one more life lost to unnecessary hardship, or worse.

“I know what our duties are. But if we can save two lives, set two lives free from this injustice and political show without harming ties between our two kingdoms, why shouldn’t we?”

Patrine held her gaze, her eyes unreadable. A small part of Vania thought it was absurd that she was the one trying to persuade Patrine, of all people, to break the rules here. Was she wrong? 

Finally, Patrine sighed and looked away. “I see your point. But I… I don’t want to betray Neal’s trust. He has been good to me.”

“I understand.” Vania said, her heart sinking as she contemplated the thought that she would be betraying Kel’s trust. Kel had been amazing to her as knight mistress and friend. And now she would be going behind her back. 

“Maybe… maybe we can tell them that we want to help? Explain to them what you just told me. Then we won’t be betraying them —“

Vania shook her head. “We would only put them in a very difficult position. They hold important posts in the Own, and doing something like this…” She sighed, “They are still early in their careers, something like this could taint them for years if they were found out.” She let out a hollow laugh, “I am at least a Conté. If I get caught, I think I can take it.” 

She locked eyes with Patrine again, and reached out to squeeze her shoulder. “You don’t have to be involved —“

“But—“

“You have even less protection,” she reminded the younger girl, whose own Minchi clan, while powerful at court, had shunned her for training for knighthood. “And I don’t want you to go behind Neal’s back. Just don’t tell anyone about this, and look the other way when it happens. Can you do that for me?”

Patrine considered her for a moment. “You’ve convinced me that this is the right thing to do. Now you want me to stay back while you take all the risk?”

Vania groaned. “I was trying to convince myself too! I can take the risk much better than you.”

“I’m not scared—“

“I know you’re not. Look, just let me think up a plan. If I need your help, I’ll ask for it. The less you know, the better.”

Patrine didn’t answer immediately. 

“Fine,” she finally said, still frowning.

Vania sighed in relief. They continued their patrol, the silence between them strained with lingering tension. She knew Patrine would want to help, whether out of loyalty to her or that she had actually convinced her that helping Cateline was the right thing to do. But she couldn’t bring her into this in good conscience; her heart was torn enough at the thought of going behind Kel’s back, she didn’t want to put Patrine in the same position with Neal too if she could help it.

Still, even as her mind whirred through ideas of how she could set Adith free with the smallest impact on the Own and on Kel, even as she was sure that helping Cateline was the right thing to do, she couldn’t shake a nagging feeling that she was making a big mistake. 

How could something feel so right and so wrong at the same time?

*

It had been a good ambush. The Riders had surrounded the bandits’ camps, and with Alanna’s help, the bandits were captured quickly. Emmy had thought it was one of the smoothest missions in a long while. 

Until she heard a shout.

“I need a healer here!” It was Liam.

Alanna rushed over, with Emmy right behind her. When they reached Liam crouching by a tree, Alanna lit a purple ball of light, revealing his blood-covered hand. 

“What happened?”

The blood wasn’t his. He has holding a Rider in his arms, Mabel, one of the new recruits who had joined Sea Gale just last fall. She had a stab wound on her shoulder, and her face was scrunched up in pain. Liam’s hand covered her wound, but blood was still seeping through his fingers.

“Emmy, get me some bandages.” Alanna ordered as she crouched down, her Gift lighting up her free hand. 

Emmy ran back, and found the group healer Moira tending to Mick, who had a cut on his arm. “I need bandages! My lady is tending to Mabel. She was stabbed.”

Moira handed her whole bag over. “Go.”

By the time Emmy got back, Alanna seemed to have stopped the bleeding, and had started closing the wound a little. Emmy opened up the bag next to her, and she grabbed a roll of bandages.

“Will she be all right?” Liam asked, frowning with worry.

“She’ll need one more round of healing, but she will be fine in a few days,” Alanna replied as she wrapped Mabel’s shoulder. The blonde was already unconscious. “What happened?”

“She saved me,” Liam said quietly. “Someone snuck up on me. I think she tried to fend him off, but was hurt instead.”

At this, Emmy looked around for Gerald. He would have been guarding Liam’s back like she had been with Alanna’s. So where was he? 

It took her a few moments to adjust to the shadows, but she finally saw him. He was standing a few feet away, as if afraid of getting close. Shock lined his face, which seemed paler than usual. When he caught her eyes, he looked away immediately, his fists clenching. 

Emmy looked away when she realised that Alanna was done. Liam shifted his grip, picked Mabel up gently in his arms and started walking back to their camp. 

Thankfully, there was no other serious injury. They helped the other Riders clean up the site — the bandits were already restrained — and started making their way back to camp with their new prisoners in tow. It was too late to go to the town magistrates, that would have to be done first thing tomorrow morning. 

Later that night, she saw Gerald sitting by himself on a log at the edge of the campsite, staring into the darkness. She made her way over. 

“Aren’t you cold out here? There are perfectly good fires over there.”

Gerald didn’t even turn to look at her. “I can take a little cold. I’m not like you.”

She raised her eyebrow. There was no malice in his words, she was just a little surprised. They had both been treading the rekindling of their friendship carefully. She wasn’t sure that they had reached the stage for teasing yet. But he did say it rather matter-of-factly, so she decided to let it go.

“Are you all right?” she asked instead, sitting down next to him. 

He sighed. “I keep thinking about the battle earlier. I don’t understand what I did wrong. I was guarding Liam, but the next thing I know, Mabel was shouting, and he was cutting a man down.”

“What did Liam say?”

“He said it wasn’t my fault.”

“Then it isn’t.”

He scoffed. “You weren’t even there. How would you know?”

She frowned, this didn’t quite sound like the Gerald she knew. He was surer of himself. “Well, don’t you trust him? He’s your knight master, and he was the closest to what was happening. If he said it isn’t your fault, then it isn’t.”

Gerald was silent for a few moments. When he finally spoke, his voice was quieter than usual. “I just keep wondering, what if Mabel wasn’t there? What if Liam got hurt because I failed? It was my job to watch his back.”

“You couldn’t have been everywhere.”

He shook his head. “I hate it, you know. Watching his back, I mean. It’s the only thing he lets me do. He never lets me take on a real fight.”

Emmy straightened up a little, feeling like she was on the cusp of what was really bothering him. “Watching his back does involve real fighting. I mean, what happened to Mabel was unfortunate, but that could have been you, too. Was that not real enough for you?”

He scoffed, looking away. “I suppose you wouldn’t know.”

She frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Not everyone gets to fight spidrens or save the Lioness’ life or save the Immortals alliance, Emmy.” He ground out, “Some of us still have a lot to prove.”

Startled, she watched him for a moment, noting the way he refused to meet her eyes. “I… did you think I want all that? Did you think my lady _allowed_ me to do all that? She never would have let me if she had a choice. And I… I just did what had to be done. I’d almost died, more than once. I never planned for any of that to happen.”

“You always have a lot to prove though.”

She clenched her fists. “I _still do_. People don’t insult me to my face anymore because of my lady, but I know at least half the court is just waiting for me to fail. I can see it in their eyes.” She stared at the side of him she could see, and huffed. “Sometimes I don’t think I’ll ever change their minds, no matter what heroic feats I do after I get my shield. You don’t know how much I wish I could just be normal, and not a daughter from a disgraced house.”

She took a deep breath to quell the rising irritation she felt. “I don’t understand you. Your family is well respected at court. You are well respected, and you’re squire to a prince. What more do you want?”

“I want to be a real knight!” He finally turned around and met her eyes with a fire of his own, “I want to do real knights’ work, and not just guard the back of a prince so well-protected that even a fly couldn’t touch him!”

She raised an eyebrow.

He grunted, and ran a hand through his hair. “I know today is a bad example of that. But most of the time I don’t get to do anything. How will I know if I’m any good in a real battle if I never get into one?”

She didn’t know what to say to that. She had never really thought about it that way before. Somehow, she got to see battle no matter how hard Alanna tried to protect her. Would she be as frustrated as Gerald if Alanna had succeeded? 

“I don’t know how Ahmad or Fianola do it,” he said. 

Emmy was reminded of the conversations she had with all her year mates over Midwinter. Ahmad had spoken about the types of meetings he had joined as the king’s squire, and the nuances of governing that he was learning. Fianola had learned similar things as the Crown Prince’s squire, and she seemed to have enjoyed learning those things. All of them had so much news to share, and they had talked late into the night. 

But there were some things that Gerald had not spoken out loud, it seemed. 

“Or even Vania,” he continued, “she’s surrounded by a whole company of the Own for protection. Knowing her, she must be so antsy all the time.”

“You don’t know her,” she said before she could stop herself, “you don’t know what she’d seen.” _Or how close she came to dying despite all her ‘protection’_ , she thought to herself grimly, the image of Vania being dragged off her horse flashing across her mind. 

“Are you two still close?” Gerald suddenly asked, watching her thoughtfully.

Surprised, Emmy turned to him. “What do you mean?”

He shrugged a little. “We’ve all grown apart since we became squires. And the two of you are on the road all the time. But you and Vania seem to have stayed in touch better than the rest of us.”

She felt her cheeks warm, and was suddenly thankful that they were not in front of the fire. Should she tell him about her relationship with Vania? She really wanted to be friends with him again. And friends should be honest with each other, right?

“What’s the matter?” He asked with a frown, and she realised belatedly that she had been silent for too long. 

“We’re close,” she muttered. She took a deep breath, and met his eyes. “Listen, I trust you with my life.”

He nodded, a little puzzled.

“I’m trusting you with something else, something important,” she continued, her heart beating in her ears. 

It took her two tries, but she finally managed, “Vania and I are more than friends. We’re lovers.”

He stiffened, and stared. His fingers twitched. 

“You…” he started, and swallowed. “But that’s…” He looked away, his fists clenched. 

Her heart sank, wondering what he was not saying, wondering what he might have heard about honeyloves or bardashes. His family had been conservative. 

Still, she trusted him. “We love each other, Gerald. I just wanted you to know because you’re our friend. We have to hide it from most people. I didn’t want to hide this from you.”

“Does Liam know?” He asked, still not meeting her eyes.

“Yes.”

He didn’t react for a moment. Abruptly, he stood up. “I need to take a walk.”

She watched him leave, and quickly wiped the corner of her eyes. Her heart felt heavy. She couldn’t help thinking about Xander, and how big the rift between them had become. Was this how things were going to play out with Gerald too? They had just started becoming friends again. Had she made a mistake?


End file.
